More Updates...

Adam and I have been obsessed with Pogo.com games. I'm actually playing Bingo Luau as we speak. Not doing so good though...

Adam and I also decided to create an e-mail account that we share. I kinda figured it be cool since I came home from work the other day and he was already in my e-mail account trying to send something. Not like I had anything to hide. (Since my boyfriend sends me e-mails to my private account. JK). So anyway, if you'd like to e-mail us you can at adamandmariahanson@hotmail.com. Fantastic, right? Ok I know its a freakin long email address....but oh well...

We went to the casino this past weekend. So fun. Adam did well at the $5 blackjack table. I sucked a Video Poker. :(

So I have to work on Saturday this week. :( I am going to an elementary school to promote our Summer Camps at work. Fun times. I'd rather sleep in. But hey, I'm putting in the effort now. Work is actually going great!! Adam is still at the Tempe plant, but at least I get to see him at night when I get home from work. Actually, he's sleeping on the couch next to me right now, but whatever.

Sandi is in heat....so for the next 3 weeks we will be a no show at the Dog Park. I don't know how I am even going to begin to channel their energy if they're going to be cooped up in the house for 3 weeks. Apparently, though, Adam was distrupted by Sandi barking insistingly outside. When he went to go check it out, she was barking at the ground. After further investigation, she was barking a wounded bee. And apparently she was sooo upset at it.

That's about it for now... so peace out..

This past week

Adam found out that he is working for the Tempe location for the next month. He starts tomorrow. I have a 3 day training for The Little Gym starting tomorrow. So we both are sort of embarking on different angles of our companies.

Took Sandi and Pepper to the dog park today. It was long over due. They were so excited. The park was packed today. There was a particular German Shepard that was in LOVE with Pepper. He followed her wherever we went. Weird.

We went to my dad's for dinner tonight. Had barbequed chicken and pizza. What a wonderful combination.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Adam had flowers delivered to me on Friday while I was at work. 12 long stem roses. It was SO sweet! Then on Saturday, we bought Romeo & Juliet and P.S. I love you and watched them. For dinner we had Applebee's to go and watched while we ate. After we took a nice relaxing bath. It was a nice quite St. Valentine's Day.

That's pretty much what's going on this week. Adam and I are trying out a new personal cleaning list. This way a little gets done every day and we don't have to do major cleaning on the weekend and can actually enjoy the weekend.

I made Adam a cake that I need to frost so he can eat it before we go to bed. We both have very early mornings tomorrow.

The Saddest Story...

Prologue
Here I am, on Mother's Day, with my mom, Amelia, and my son, Aryn. The weather is perfect. The breeze wraps its arms around me, the sun kisses my face, and the smell of flowers everywhere give my senses a lift. It couldn't be a more perfect day for Mother's Day, except that my mother lay 6 feet below me and my son's ashes are in the tiniest of urns. Not the outcome you were to expect? Neither did I.
This is the first Mother's Day I would spend without my own mother. It was also supposed to be the first Mother's Day I would be a mother for. But all of the clichés are true: Life isn't fair, you never know what you have until its gone, you can't always get what you want, and life is what you make it.
If I've learned anything about my life, its all of those things.
What's hard is that I don't even know where to start. Do I start from the day I took my first breath? My wedding day? My mother's funeral? Even now as I try to comprehend and cope with my losses, I can't even figure it out.
Whatever happened to scrapped knees, silly boy crushes and no worries? I miss that. Ironically, when I was younger and experiencing those things, I longed for the day I would marry, have children and have a friendship with my mother. Yet I never thought that this was a part of the deal. I'll probably finish this day by sitting at home alone. Wishing...thinking...praying...wondering.


A brief look into the past brings a world of enlightenment for the future


My mother and I struggled to get along. We fought over everything. My grades, my hair, my attitude. She always said that I was born with PMS and that when I grow up she hopes that I have a daughter that's just like me. I argued that she didn't know any better. She always said that you mother is the one person who would never steer you in the wrong direction. I didn't believe her. My high school years were full of regrets. I regret the day I crashed my car into a corn field because of underage drinking, I regret the times I screamed and hated my mother. I regret it all. I found out in college, though, that life is so different than what high school makes it out to be. It turns out, my mother did want what was best for me and was always looking out for me.
I spent my early adult life righting my wrongs, repairing a once broken relationship and listening for once to a wise woman. My mother was strong, funny, independent and smart. She cared about her family and friends and always strived to do what was right. Before my lifetime she was married to a man who physically, verbally and emotionally abused her. My father and the rest of her family never talked about him. But I know that this was a big reason as to why my mother was the way she was in the lifetime that I knew her.
As a teenager, I normally expressed myself with words. Writing small poems, and little essays, and reading them later helped me deal with life’s stresses. In my college years, I turned to other’s stories to help me cope. But now I feel a need to go back, and to write my year of 2007.
When I was 19, my future husband proposed to me. We decided to take our time, and were engaged for two and a half years. Even in this time, I still argued with my mom about the wedding. But it all came to settle soon. The details were perfect. I would have a simple wedding. I would wear my mother's wedding dress, give the Italian traditional candy covered almonds as a party favor, and ensure that the Godfather theme music was played during dinner. My mother never said it, but I'm sure she was proud of me for upholding our Italian traditions at my wedding. My husband and I married January 6, 2007.
It was a beginning to a new way of living. In June, my older brother married his high school sweetheart. It was so beautiful. My brother did a surprise mother-groom dance to Connie Francis’ "Mama". My mother loved her music. My sister and I cried at how beautiful it was.
Little did we all know that my mother had been struggling with a horrible pain in her back that started in June. Like the selfless mother she always was, she did not share her pain to keep us from worrying. She went to the doctors after the pain didn’t go away. They were attributing it to stress. She agreed; she had two children get married and move out, her youngest son received his Confirmation at church, and my older brother graduated from college. They prescribed her pain medications after determining it was a pinched nerve.
Later that June, I found out to be pregnant. I had a feeling one day. It wasn't because I missed my period, but because the presence of children felt so right that day. I went to the grocery store and bought the test. I took it immediately when I got home. It didn't take long to confirm. I was pregnant. After telling my husband after his late night shift, I couldn't contain my excitement. I made the drive to my mother's house.
I really didn't know what to say arriving there at 11pm. So I reached in my purse and pulled out the test. My mother, 60 at the time, jumped so much and screamed and hugged and filled with tears of joy. The next day I went to my doctor to confirm the pregnancy and my due date was set for March 19, 2008. It was a fantastic feeling. Knowing that there was a little person inside me thriving with life.
But my mother’s pain did not go away. Stronger the medicines got, and my mother grew concerned. One day in September, I talked to my dad and he expressed his concern in her face swelling that day. I went over and noticed that there was definite swelling or drooping of some sort in the right side of her face. I told my dad to call the emergency room and tell them what’s been going on and ask if there was a cause for concern. As he was talking to the ER, my mom and I sat down for some soup. I saw a tear roll down her face. "I think I’m dying," she softly said. I cried, "No mom! You’re doing fine, we’re just going to make sure everything’s ok." After being at the ER, they found nothing wrong and sent her home. I took the facial swelling as her body being dehydrated and began rubbing her face almost daily to soothe her. Her physician ordered a CT scan.
On October 15 later that year, my mother decided it was time to quit smoking for the sake of her soon to arrive grandchild. On October 16, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. For those of you who don't know too much about cancer and lung cancer, let me explain. You have a yearly mammograms, you get your prostate checked, you get an internal physical every year to ensure that breast, prostate or ovarian cancer isn't there. There is no screening process for lung cancer. They have found that any type of regular screening was more of a burden than a benefit. So usually, when you are diagnosed with lung cancer, its probably been in you for a while. She had a non small cell Adenocarcinoma. It was in her right lung. They started her on daily radiation and weekly chemotherapy. I worked very hard to lift my mother's spirits by reminding her about being a grandmother soon.
On October 24, I received a phone call from my OB/GYN saying that my blood tests indicated that I had a low AFP level. This meant that there was a risk for Downs Syndrome in my baby. I was sent to get a level two ultrasound as I was about 19 weeks pregnant. With the cold gel on my stomach, I had to listen in silence as the doctors explained that not only is there the possibility of Downs, but that my baby was dying. He was missing his bladder and a kidney and therefore couldn't create enough amniotic fluid. They said eventually he would have a heart attack and die. My husband and I decided to let my baby be and go on his own terms. I toll my baby it was ok to let go. It didn't take long. On November 2, my OB/GYN couldn't find a heart beat.
I chose to be induced at the hospital. I went in on Monday afternoon. I was in the hospital for 3 days. My mother, at the time, was feeling guilty for being too in pain to help with the pregnancy and rallied the day I delivered Aryn. My mom came into my room just in time as I began to deliver. She held my hand and kept me strong. "You’re doing great, Sweetie. Ready, and push!" I couldn’t have done it without her. My father had organized the funeral for my baby at my church. Then on Wednesday, November 7, I went through it all. The contractions, the awkward feeling of your legs above your head, the feeling of wanting to just quit. At 10:08 am I delivered Aryn J Hanson with my mother, mother-in-law and my husband by my side. Soon after I delivered, My priest came in to bless and baptize my baby. I looked at Aryn, sleeping so peacefully with his mouth open (just like his mommy). He had his father's mouth, and my mother's nose. After looking at my baby, who was just 21 weeks along, I knew that delivering him was the right decision for me. I now feel like a mother. My baby's an angel.
Not 3 days since I went home from the hospital, I get a call at 4am from my dad saying that my mother is being rushed to the hospital; that she can't breathe. Hours go by before anyone talks to us. My mother got pneumonia in her good lung. She was put in the ICU. The entire week was a downhill battle. Minutes felt so long. Seeing the breathing tubes was heart wrenching. She wasn't herself. She was lifeless, with only machines to indicate otherwise.
In the week my mom was in the ICU, we talked to a lot of doctors and nurses. Some had faith, some didn’t. Her pneumonia might have been due to the chemo session she had days before. The thing that was trying to save her life, made it worse. In three weeks she had three sessions of chemotherapy. She was supposed to have one more before the holidays and then switch to a less frequent prescription. Her oncologist had met with us frequently the week she was in the ICU. He said he had never before seen someone respond to the treatment so well so quickly. That 6 ½ centimeter tumor was reduced by 50%. And the spine was officially clear. It dawned on me how positive my mom and I were when talking about the cancer. We would tell the cells that they don’t belong there, and that they need to leave. She envisioned the chemo killing the cancer cells. But we never predicted this. Her life so fragile, so soon.
Unfortunately, she was so sedated the whole time. On Wednesday she was the most responsive. She opened her eyes for me a few times, reached out to grab my hand and raised her eyebrows for us. By Saturday we had to make a decision. Her kidneys were failing, and the only choice for that was dialysis. The problem was that the procedure could kill her on the spot. Her body was so swollen; in her hands, in her face on her neck. She was on the highest dose possible for keeping up her blood pressure and she was only at 70/20. My dad had made the decision to make her comfortable. We had to look at the life support as just that: life support. It was not life prolonging, life enhancing or life saving. It just kept her numbers there.
On Saturday, November 17, it was time to let go. I had heard many stories that week of how my mother and I were so much alike. How my grandmother and my mother always argued. How my grandmother told my mom that she hopes she has a daughter just like her. I felt empowered. My mother was always proud of me. She gave me her strength. She lives through me. Just before 11am, we all came into her room to say goodbye. My father thanked her for 26 years of marriage and his 4 beautiful children. I whisper in her ear that I will take care of the family. And I tell her that I was so proud of her. . We all went in and with her four children holding her hands, the nurse dialed down the blood pressure medicine. She stopped breathing two minutes after that. Then her pulse went. First it was 90, 40,70, 90, 10, 80, 4, gone. That took another two minutes. The longest four minutes of my life.
When she was gone I felt such a heavy load being lifted off of my shoulders. Not because I was glad she was gone, not because I disliked her. But because it was over. She was so fortunate to not have to suffer with the cancer. She was better than that. She is healed now. And I still feel her presence. She kisses me with the warmth rays of the sun. She holds me with the cool breeze as I stand outside. And she fills my heart with hope.
So this is how you have 2 funerals in 2 weeks. Aryn's on November 14 and my mothers on November 24. And this is why, on Mother's Day, I sit at a cemetary. Being alive with so much to live for. My mother had been a mom to all of us. She was so excited to be a grandmother. I think when Aryn went to heaven, my mother went to go meet her very first and so far only grandchild.